I Moshi, You Moshit, S/He it Moshis

I’m sure everyone out there has at least heard of things like Dora the explorer and blues clues. Children’s shows that are based around cute things being sickeningly un-cute while teaching you/r child how to talk to TVs and be a sane person like us slightly more grown-up people. And for some reason or another children actually like these shows(don’t look at me I really cannot understand it.) So when the Internet got good and easy enough to use, there shouldn’t have been a shadow of a doubt in anyone’s mind that at some point or another this idea of cute things teaching children how to do things would become interactive and go up on the world wide web. Of course this happened and as it was to be expected not a single one of them really challenged you/r children. None of the games made a child feel special, or even feel that they were learning anything beyond how to listen to a boring voice (future preparation for ‘real’ school no doubt.). The questions on these web sites would always be “2+2=? need a hint? 4!” Every single one of these sites would treat children as if they were some kind of lower life form that doesn’t learn anything no matter how many times you’ve said it to them. Or at least that’s what I thought for many a year.
In October a friend of mine showed me this website called Moshi Monsters. Because it was random and it meant we could pretend to be like 5 again we decided to create accounts. The more we played the more engrossed we became with the game. There is technically no aim of the game except to make your Moshi monster look awesome and get lots of weird shit for their room, quite psychedelic. Anyway the puzzles are challenging enough. Things like a list of words of the names of colours and each word is the colour it says except for one and you have to choose the one that isn’t matching in a matter of seconds. Anyone who has done any tests like the one above will know that it’s a lot harder than it sounds. The names in the game are all quite smart as well yukea instead of ikea for example and the descriptions of items make reference to popular culture every once and awhile. On top of all this the game uses words to describe the feelings of your monster that go way beyond happy,sad or bored. A few examples would be: despondent, exuberant and transcendent…challenging enough? While Moshi Monsters is clever that’s not the only place it excels in. It teaches us about morality as well. If you don’t care for you ‘moshi’ it will eventually die (I’m in the process of watching a few of my friends monsters who were practically abandoned slowly die at the moment, and as the days go by they get progressively more and more depressed and dare I even say… suicidal?)
So what does Moshi Monsters provide you/r children with in a nutshell. Puzzles which progressively get harder the more you play, lessons in morality, the ability to customize and much more. Now I know many parents when looking at the Internet think about the safety of their child first. Well have no fear your child is quite safe. The way Moshi Monsters is set-up makes it quite hard for people to find other people unless they know exactly who it is they are looking for. And if you don’t believe me why not go onto the website itself and create an account and see for yourself…in fact…create an account for yourself why not? It could be a way to bond with your child and maybe you’ll get some enjoyment from the game itself.I know I haven’t gone a day without playing it since I got it, it only takes a few minutes a day to keep everything in order! Anyway regardless of what you do if you have(or are) a child I strongly recommend that you check this site out. It’s whimsical and educational at the same time (not to forget cute.)So here it is MOSHI MONSTERS!
http://www.moshimonsters.com/
It truly is a game for children ages 5 to 95 (after that well…they need to grow up.) HAPPY MOSHING!

SchooLife

Translation Lost

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaYb2YQjEGA&feature=mfu_in_order&playnext=1&videos=sgCmqCnkv9c

Critics are calling it a "Masterpiece"

  "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha oh lord....wel that was funny!"-Catherine Walsh  

  "What happened in the end?"- Liam Brophy

  "....what exactly..emm,.."-Jane Cambell

Hopefully this is just the first in a long line of university films to come.

oh my God…oh my fucking God…I MEAN OH MY FUCKING GOD!

Ok so I was just sitting here at 4 in the morning minding my own business playing a few games, looking up a bitta porn watching a bitta anime, on the Internet, you know the general thing a young lad does in his spare time. And then I got tired and decided it was time to go to bed, but just as I was making my way up the stairs my tummy rumbled and gave out a ferocious roar. So I decided I needed to eat something before I went to the land of nod. I made my way into the kitchen and looked through all the presses…there was pretty much nothing to eat. I was given a very small choice, either special K or muesli. Now as we know muesli is incredibly manly, like really really manly and in my tired weakened state I didn’t feel too much like a real man just a young weak boy. So I went against what my dick would have chosen and decided to eat the special  K…possibly the worst mistake of my entire life to date. I poured the milk into the bowl with the special K and sat down in front of the computer to watch something while I ate my cereal which would soon teach me a lesson in what women go through to try impress us men (though sometimes I wonder if it’s actually to impress each other but that’s another post for another day, I have a story to tell here.) I took my spoon in my hand and brought it down into that horrid cereal. I lifted it up, and stuck it into my unsuspecting mouth….I threw up.
Special K is quite possibly the single most disgusting thing I have ever eaten (and to those who know me and how I eat anything I can tell you that I really mean this.) But where to start is the question. The taste? The texture? No actually I think I’ll start with the milk. You know how cereal like coco pops add to milk making them slightly chocolaty while other cereals like cheerios  don’t do anything to the milk. And you know how both are ok? Well special K actually makes the milk worse. It’s kinda hard to describe but I’ll give it a shot. It’s like gone of liquidy yoghurt with a hint of smelly fish cheese (a fish of cheese.) I mean wtf! At first I was convinced that the milk was gone of or something , so I checked the expiration date and tasted a bit on it’s own but it was ok, no problems whatsoever. So it must have been the cereal! What the heel is up with that? Why make a cereal that does that!? Like if I was making a cereal and I had the option of what the cereal was going to do with the milk and I was given the options of improve, keep the same or turn into a vial drink of death I would most certainly not pick the drink of death option. I’m surprised no one has had to go to hospital because of it yet to be perfectly honest. Just thinking about it is making me sick , so if you don’t mind I’ll move onto the next part of this horrendous cereal.
Ok so at first the look of this cereal is not very impressive but passable. It looks just like normal kellog’s corn flakes except kinda grey (which isn’t very nice but I have enough complaints about it as it is.) So on the second bite (the first being utterly dedicated to the milk) I was shocked to find that the flakes of corn were soft. Like paper soft like so soft that it felt almost…. no scratch that it was just disgusting. It was as if I had put wet cardboard in my mouth and was meant to like it. The fruit bits didn’t help either. Fruits are meant to be juicy are they not? Well these were shrivelled and old and nasty looking to boot. So it was a combination of wet cardboard and  sickeningly wrinkly fruits. They would swish and swirl in your mouth while you tried to look for something to chew and biting your tongue every once and awhile, till finally you gave up and swallowed, wondering if maybe the swallowing process would be in anyway at all exciting…which it turned out not to be. This cereal was so incredibly boring texture wise and only created this feeling of sickness and a sore tongue.
So here we are, at possibly the most important part of this review, The taste. Prepare to be sick is my one and only suggestion. On top of the ilk tasting horrible in itself the cereal has it’s own particular brand of taste bud killing moves. I’ll start with the fruit since they were slightly less sickening. So those old wrinkly fruits I was talking about are pretty much all strawberries. And I love strawberries as a side note I’ll eat them in any state they are in. But these strawberries…I mean wow. How the hell did they do that? They completely changed the flavour of a strawberry and made it utterly disgusting! They made a strawberry taste like like like again I can only describe it as a gone off yoghurt
So even though I absolutely detested the cereal I did in fact finish the bowl but for two very good reasons
1) I wanted to write this review and felt I could only write it properly if I finished it.
2) I really was starving.
But I have something to say to women worldwide (assuming this cereal is sold worldwide I dunno.) I can understand that I’ll never understand why you care so much about your figure and that I can accept. What I can’t accept is doing things that aren’t only painful but send you to hell pretty much. Men don’t want you to kill yourselves to look good. And remember breakfast is the most important meal of the day! If you don’t have a nice fun one then what’s your day going to be like? I usually find that if I have a nice happy breakfast that I have a nice happy day but if I have a lugubrious breakfast I have a miserable day where everything sucks. So if you’re a special K eater, think twice, pt the spoon down, reach into the cereal place(?) and take out something happy which has an animal on it or something. If may have a few extra bad things in it for you but your happiness is much more important than your weight. And if none of you learnt anything from this review, well I most certainly did. When given a choice between super extra hard awesome muscular manly muesli and something like special K do not ever be afraid to stand up to manly muesli and tell it who the man is. HAPPY EATING!

Description of Hell

In front of the gates of Hell I stood
With my comrades who had gone before
They paid the ferryman so that they could
Experience Hell once more
Of course I certainly followed them
Or else there would be no story to tell with this poem
I entered a room
Full of darkness and doom
When suddenly a daemon did loom
And spat all over us
But none did make fuss
At the torture of his ruckus
Then flames on the wall began to spark
And little daemons squished together danced
To the beat of the dull music in the dark
I am ashamed to say that for awhile I too did prance
To the screeching music
That was played with no meaning
In the centre of the room sat high
The Devil himself and he was jammin’
Fear then overcame me I will not lie
To get outside I found myself pushin’
But the minions of the darkness made it hard to escape
Was to die here truly my fate?
Finally I found a wall
To which I could easily crawl
But once I got there I got a fright
It was something scary what a sight
Wet evil the walls were oozing
And my stay here there to a closing
To a room with some light I went next
In order to find me some rest
But instead what I found
Was urine spread all over the ground
And the horrible high pitched sound
Of the taking of ones daemon seed
I sought to escape
Before it was too late
So to my comrades I did run
But it turned out they were having fun
So I looked around for some sort of cure
There must be something here that is pure?
But alas it was not to be
To take in the pain was my destiny
Until finally the clock struck twelve
And into the real world we did delve
A breath of fresh air
Had never tasted so fair
So I ask you this
Give Hell a miss
It corrupts the mind
And one forgets they are of human kind
I swear I’m not crazy
When I say “screw Wezzley”

Biggest Fucking Conspiracy of the Fucking Century

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THIS IS NOT A JOKE SERIOUSLY OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
Ok I’m calm I’m calm.
You may have thought that the above was a bit of an overreaction, but it wasn’t. A friend of mine and I just discovered the biggest secret ever and I worry actually if I should disclose it on this blog. If the people involved find out that I know they might kill me…yes it’s that big. Hmm should I say? should I not? Meh, screw it my fingers are tingly to tell it to the world. So here it is the biggest and longest hidden secret ever…
Jesus Christ our saviour………was Japanese.
Ok I know what your thinking either one of the following
1) This guy thinks he’s funny
2)OH MY GOD HE IS SOOOOOO RIGHT
or
3)Hmm intriguing I would think that what he is about to say is bullshit but I’ll listen.
If your in the first mind-set fuck off we don’t like your kind around here.
Well I guess I should explain to those of you that are still reading this why Jesus was Japanese. It is really quite simple when you think about it and I’m surprised no one realised it earlier. So just follow me on this…
1) Jesus was a Jew
2) The Japanese word for 10 when written in roman script is spelt ju
3) ju and Jew are pronounced the exact same way
Everyone with me so far?
4) The kanji for ju is a cross
5) Christianity’s (a religion based on Jesus teachings) symbol is the CROSS Jesus died on
6) so cross=cross am I wrong?
7) And as an added piece, are all those Js really a coincidence? Jesus Ju Jew Japanese.
Our logic is undeniable! Jesus was Japanese! One cannot look at the information I have provided above and think that it is a mere coincidence. It’s just not possible! The only explanation is that Jesus was Japanese. The Japanese have always known and have been keeping it away from us gaijin! Imagine they have kept this a secret for just over 2000 years. Can you imagine how hard that must have been to keep all the Japanese people out there quiet? The Japanese once again show us a feat of amazingness.
But we have the upper hand now! We know their secret! So now that you know the truth go forth loyal readers and spread the word. The world must know the truth! HAPPY SPREADING!
Oh I forgot another piece of evidence to do with the Js. JUdas, Joseph, Jehovah, Joshua,Jeremiah,John,King James etc.? J stands for Japanese! Why else would there be so many Js that are connected to Jesus in some way or another!

The Situations and Names of Winds

This famous work by Aristotle is sometimes forgotten when speaking of the great philosopher. Most likely because of its length. It is more of an essay nay a poem than any of his other works however that does not deter from the fact that this work is one that should be looked upon as a masterpiece. What it is at face value is what the title suggests…that being a list of winds but read further and you shall find that it is about a lot more then mere wind patterns.
Now it may seem boring at first but on looking into ‘situations’ one can see just how deep this piece is. It shows us how things works as it explains the different wind systems and how they go into one another and come out of each other. This can and will be taken in a symbolic way to express how humans effect each other and spread thoughts and ideas. Much like the winds of the world affect one another every human affects another. Another philosophical concept raised in this work is basically “a rose would smell just as sweet with any other name.” A single wind can have many names but ultimately it comes from an origin and is only one wind not multiple winds. This represents how every human is different and has their origin, no matter how hard they want it,  that origin cannot be changed. The final idea which I will share with you, as I believe that everyone should find something for themselves in this work, is that of continuity. This masterpiece gives a sense of circularity to the winds and that they never ever stop, they are always there. This obviously enough represents the nature of life and how it is constantly being reborn and dieing at the same time.
I do believe that everyone out there should read this work. It is short and shan’t take up too much of your time. Finding it will probably take longer than it will to read it but nevertheless I do think it is worth a read as it is overlooked as one of Aristotle’s great works even though it is so deep and meaningful. So take out that complete works of Aristotle ( that hangs around so that you look smart ) and find this lovely piece of writing. Happy reading!
Oh ye I forgot, there's a super special awesome twist at the end!!!!!!

Angus, Thongs and (im)perfect Snogging

:@ ( or so I’m told means angry….why? well I dunno we are on the Internet after all, things just happen here)………………………seriously I know it’s just a smiley but……:@. “Angus Thongs and perfect Snogging”, let me tell you something about “Angus Thongs and perfect Snogging.” This film…this film is undoubtedly the cause of stupidity in all of history. indecent young girls? ye this film’s fault, Brain dead boyfriends? yep again this film’s fault…I’m willing to go as far as saying that this film…is the cause of the recession. That's how ungood a time I had watching this film.
It’s just so bad I don’t even know where to start. The deplorable characters? sickening plot? ear-vomit music? The fucking world for letting this exist? I dunno this is just one of them films which you just wish, wish from the bottom of your heart were never made or at least you forget that it existed. But, I can’t do that, I made a vow to warn you kind people of the Internet to never ever watch it! I guess I’m not well known enough though to just make you take my word for it though am I? goddammit.
So basically the plot is as follows. Pinocchio’s daughter is having her first period and she wants to get into boys pants who look 10 years older than her. So she becomes a bitch (girl logic), everyone hates her for 5 minutes and then out of the blue everything is a-ok and the lesson of the story is “be a prick, you’ll succeed.” As a sub plot she thinks that her mother is having an affair with and obviously gay man thus bringing up the common teenage issue of ‘Is my mother a transvestite?’ The father is in new Zealand being the only good thing in the film for taking up the least amount of my time and then there’s a bunch of scenes of 13-year-old girls stalking other girls to see their breasts. And yes this film is for kids.
The characters include so many obnoxious people that it’s really hard to define them as characters per se but rather as an amalgamation of the stupidity of certain teenagers. For example, the slang for breasts in this film is…go on guess…I dare you….'nunga nungas.' That's right 'nunga nungas.' Now if you find that stupid the reason for that name is even stupider so you may want to cover your ears or this, the reason why breasts are called 'nunga nungas' is because that is the noise breasts make when you lift them up and let them drop. And sperm says ‘wee’ when it comes out of the dick. But anyway, so you got this really big nose bitch who is intolerably annoying at the start of the film and just becomes so much worse as the film goes on. She writes this diary where she fantasizes about penises and dreams of having a small nose. She also has an obsession with breasts as I earlier says and bring boys into the know-who about the pencil test. Don’t know about it? Well lets just say apparently young girls care about cleavage, who knew?
Her friends include the foreign girl, dumb girl and best friend who she (SPOILER) betrays…and then makes friends again with. The mother as previously stated is a transvestite and the father is not really there but quite highly respected for some reason, kinda like god. There’s a younger sister who…doesn’t do anything and cat called Angus who again doesn’t do anything, yet his name got in the title?bu-wa-meh? never mind. You got the countless ‘hot’ boys which amount to 0 and instead we get saliva boy who is essentially a 13 year old male prostitute, the dude who came up with 'nunga nungas,' a generic stupid person and Robbie. What does one say about Robbie, the main romantic interest of nose. Well he’s charm…no,nic… wrong, horrible?…no not even that describes him. I’ve got it, Robbie is bland! that's the right word! There really isn’t much to say, he’s your generic pretty boy except without the pretty. I honestly don’t know what else to say about him…he says bitch in a kids movie that's kinda cool…em ye he’s kinda like if you got a white sheet of paper, decided it wasn’t white enough so you painted it white, that pretty much sums up Robbie.
Seriously I could go on this film is just pure shizer. However, I always try to find one thing that I liked in the film so here it is. The lighting, while not particularly amazing does certainly go beyond what you’d expect of such a bad movie. It’s bright in the day and slightly darker at night, there’s enough light on penis nose’s face for us to be able to really understand the enormity of her nose and by god is it one ugly nose. He really was lighting the way for me to understand just how much I detest this film and so I thank you Mr. light man, people should really respect you and your fellow light men more than they do.
Thanks for reading this review, please take my advice and stay away from Angus Thongs and blah blah blah (especially boys, it turns your brain to slush). HAPPY WATCHING!
Oh I forgot the music! well no biggy its not like anyone would even download the soundtrack, even for free.

An animated b-movie? What could be better!?

Rob Zombie has never been much more than a b-grade horror director in the world of cinema, but is his newest animated musical feature worth the watch or just another mistake?

Well the fact of the matter is that this is one of those films which you can either sit through and find quite funny on some lazy afternoon, or you could simply not get it and mistake it for some kind of strange new western Hentai.

The World Superbeasto lives in is populated by monsters and busty women and has tons of references to classic horror films such as ‘The Fly’, ‘Halloween’ and ‘The shining.’ The plot line plays out very much like a trash movie. It is essentially Superbeasto’s ‘hot’ sister ‘Susi-x’ dealing out some serious damage to hoards upon hoards of zombie Nazis, perverts ad Satan! The real pulling point of this film however is its comedic value. While certainly numerous jokes in the film lack a punch line beyond ‘BOOBS!’( there’s enough animated breasts in this film to make anyone feel more than uncomfortable) those that have substance and wit are quite hilarious, and the songs may even have you singing along!

The Haunted world of El Superbeasto is a really relaxed kind of film. If you’re a fan of b-movies, horror and are up for a couple of laughs I would defiantly check out this film. If you aren’t… well don’t because sadly you probably just won’t get it.

Chips a la me

Ever been really hungry? Ever been hungry at night? Well if you have and you’re looking for something a tad different to eat come check this article out! Right now! I promise you you won’t regret it. 
Ok so today we’re gong to need a bowl, ketchup, a microwave and some oven chips, got it? right cool. So you’re going to take your bowl ye? and your oven chips ok? and, now this is the tough part, pour the chips into the bowl so that you get just the right amount, which is as much or as little as you want, but keep in mind that the chips will…how do you explain it…melt? so if you want a good amount you gotta get the bowl over flowing. Ok so with your bowl of frozen oven chips ready you are now going to proceed to the microwave (I suggest doing a cool sorta dancewalk if you can to make this whole awesome experience that much more AWESOME.)
Nice, so at the microwave place the bowl right smack in the centre and get ready to turn the microwave on. You’re going to set it roughly to about 10 minutes at the highest setting you can on your microwave.( some people I know set it only for 9 minutes cause they dare to defy moi.) so now you have a long (but worthwhile) wait.  In this time you can do whatever the fuck you want: do a poo, have a wank, read a book, make more food, make a cup of tea, gaze into the eyes of your lover or dance to Rick Astley. As someone who has done all the above I suggest the dancing it’s fun and gets you happy and as we all know if you’re happy while eating life rocks!
So we’re not done yet but nearly there do not panic!. So once the microwave makes that annoying beeping noise, take the chips out BUT FOR GODS SAKE BE CAREFUL THE BOWL IS GOING TO BE HOT. Now take whatever topping you want: ketchup, mayo etc. and pour it on the top of the chips. Take a fork and start turning the chips all over the bowl, this allows for the topping to spread to all the chips. And there you have it! Chips a la me! 
So stick that fork in and start having a good time! HAPPY EATING!
oh I forgot… Firstly, by now I think you see what I meant by melted, but that is a really good sign. if you can stick your fork into a chip pull it up and practically the whole lot of 'em come up with it that means that they were done right so don’t worry. Secondly, I know this sounds gross and everyone who I make it for is at first all pussy and like “BUT WAH THAT’S NOT CONVENTIONAL.” but it works. Just try it once…..for me?…..please?

A Truthful Story of Bullshit

So there I was, sitting, eyeing up the pen, looking for its weaknesses. It was pink and long, but not clean. No there was a little area that was completely dirtied with the ink of previous cartridges. This pen had come up against a lot in it’s short life. I could tell. The adventures it must have faced to get to here, this point in time, no one could possibly recount all of them. Perhaps it had been used by a pilot while writing to his girlfriend during a dog fight, or maybe it was used by a wife to write down the recipe of  cake for a friend, it may have even been used to sign legal papers, or write the great American novel who knows! The point was this long pink tubular stylish Biro pen was now in my hand and I had to fight it, take it on, prove to it that I was a man!

See I hadn’t bought this pen, I was given it and thus I did not have the chance to check it over and figure out if I could trust it. At first it seemed fine though I worried about the ‘flame’ design on the side which may have been a message, an omen…a warning, and as  the weeks went by I grew fonder and fonder of it, finally accepting it as a part of my existence. Part of who I was. But then tragedy struck. The ink cartridge became desolate of ink and if I were to save the pen’s life I would have to put a new cartridge in. Here’s were I made my biggest mistake. Not being well taught in the mechanics of pens I failed to comprehend that the ink cartridge is much like a soul for a human. If you put the wrong soul in the wrong body you get horrible outcomes. This was one of those unfortunate events. The pen wouldn’t work with the new cartridge, it wouldn’t write, it would purposely disobey it’s master. I would have to search for a ‘soul’ for my pen. But first I needed to extract the cursed cartridge from the body of the pen. Now you are up to speed with the events that lead to this epic battle of man vs. pen, master vs. servant…author vs. writer.
After close inspection I decided that the best attack would be to take the top off. A simple enough plan, but hardly an easy one. The cartridge had lodged itself inside the pen and wouldn’t allow me to open it up to proceed with the extraction process. I struggled  for many a minute trying to rip the top off. Using my hands teeth and whatever tools were at my disposal like tweezers. But sadly none of these lead to my victory over the monster pen. I sat there looking at it as it stared back at me. To be honest it frightened me. This was no long an ordinary pen, it was a demon. I paced up and down the room when and idea struck my head like an anvil. “If I cannot get the cartridge out…I’ll just destroy it while it is in the pen!” and so I got to twiddling with the bits of the cartridge which I could put an impression on. Again I ferociously battled with the pen rolling on the floor and screaming to the gods to give me aid in my seemingly endless battle but finally, and in a single instant… *snap*  The cartridge snapped while it was on the inside! I could finally remove the broken malevolent soul from the pen’s body. Which is what I did. I took the cartridge in my hand and watched as the evil ink leaked out onto my hand. Feeling pity for it I gave the cartridge a soldier’s death. I brought the body to the sink to cleanse it of any vial ink which had been left over from the spillage and left it on my desk to dry. And there is now sits till I find a soul worthy of it’s glorious body.
Oh I forgot, the moral of the story is don’t stick things where they don’t belong.